Unacceptable

A few months ago, while working with a 14-year old client of mine, I was told by said client that I look like girlboy Justin Bieber. Fighting the urge to throw him out of my car, I calmed myself. In so far as I am also white, have straight brown hair, and can woo ladies with my dulcet tones, yes, I look like Justin Bieber. But the similarities stop there. And for that, I am thankful. Here's something I'm not thankful for: Justin Bieber: First Step 2 Forever. My Story. That's the title of the soon-to-be-released shitfest that will be his illustrated memoirs.

Fuck me. Let me start by saying that this kid is completely effed once his face explodes and his voice cracks. I'll continue by saying that the trash that comes out of his mouth is one of few things that can truly capture everything wrong in music today (I won't tell you who or what to like when it comes to music...but I will say that I'd rather have typhoid fever than Bieber Fever). Can we also talk about his style? Is R&B compliant with the skater punk aesthetic? Seems incongruous to me. Maybe he's just a trendsetter, but god I hope not. And when was the last time you saw someone who wasn't Fred Durst wear a backwards hat? When was the last time you even heard anything about Fred Durst? This kid literally had 4 (FOUR!) singles off his first album hit the Billboard Top 40. Meanwhile, there is no longer a decent oldies station in Washington, DC. What the hell is going on? Thankfully, karma has caught up with him at least once. Thanks for ruining my day, HarperCollins.

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Welcome to the future. The Silveira Samba XMS is a custom-made jet-ski (they call it a "personal watercraft") that weighs in at just 34 lbs. What's that mean for you? Impossibly hard turns, excitement, and most likely a serious injury somewhere along the way. This topside torpedo is the brainchild of Rod Silveira and Kristen Merck, two beautiful people who do extreme things much better than you can. No price yet, but somewhere between $Ouch and $Prohibitively Expensive sounds about right. (via LikeCool)

Trimmed and laced with Gucci's trademark green and red (because buying anything Gucci is like having Christmas any time you want it), these new boots are a surprisingly low-fashion, high-style design for the Italian brand. The oxford toecap adds a pleasant twist to what would otherwise simply be an overpriced work boot. Now it's overpriced and stylish. They are available at Concepts' Cambridge, MA location now (eStore opening soon). No word on pricing, but using other Gucci footwear as a meter, $400-600 sounds about right. (via Hypebeast)

You've probably never had any reason to stray from Heinz when it comes to ketchup. Why would you? It's delicious, classic, and has an easy-to-use "57" for the ketchup challenged. But just in case you were hankering for a healthier alternative, look to Sir Kensington's Gourmet Scooping Ketchup. In an attempt to get back to the good ol' days when condiments weren't infused with hard-to-pronounce ingredients and things like high fructose corn syrup, Sir Kensington's is a delicious blend of all-natural ingredients. It's also available in a spiced version. Quality costs, though: one for $7, case of 12 for $84. (via Uncrate)

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I've always got my eye out for a great bag I'll never be able to afford, and with this, I've found yet another. From online retailer Blackbird comes the Miller Brewing Salesman Bag, a vintage leather tote that screams refinement and class. While it's not large (16x12x7, about half the storage of your standard roll-on), it's perfect for a daytrip or a light weekend getaway. If you're not in the mood to drop $450 on this, check this real vintage doctors bag that will get you the same thing for only $68. (via The Reference Council)

Graham Withers presents us with these consummate summer ties. Aside from their great design, the wonderful thing about them is that at the moment, they are on sale for $48, so I'd grab them while they last. Pair mindfully with a light summer suit. Be advised, if you find yourself on the corpulent side, avoid these skinny ties, as they'll just create the illusion of more heft. If $48 is too steep (and for a well-made tie, there is no reason it should be), Urban Outfitters has a veritable smorgasbord of ties that will keep you looking your best through the rest of the summer, all for $19. (via FREE/MAN)

Bell & Ross have just released their Vintage Original and Vintage Heritage watches. Typically known for their cockpit-inspired designs, they turned to the archives for these new pieces. Inspired by the watches worn by the flyboys of the 1940's these pieces combine, ruggedness, simplicity, and history to make for a perfect casual wristwatch. For some reason, I can see a true gentleman sporting this at a lakehouse in Maine. Though, it would probably be quite a nice lakehouse, as these watches start around $1500. You can get a "close-enough" Timex for $50 here, though. But it won't last you nearly as long, and you won't feel as awesome wearing it. (via Por Homme)

Another Useless Product

At the urging of my close friend, who I like to call The Matador (for no reason at all), I've decided to talk a bit about a certain kitchenware item that may or may not be necessary. My father is what one might call a purveyor of kitchen utensils. He swears by the Foley fork, a do-everything tool for the kitchen. If you don't have one, get one, if you do, get another and give it to a friend so they have one. Spread the love of the Foley fork. But one thing you won't find in his kitchen are these:

That's right. Onion goggles. My reaction to onions has never been so strong as to require goggles of any kind. Nor do I have a need to look like a superhero or as if I am completing some sort of Tour de France time trial while in the kitchen. I'm a heavy advocate of God's onion goggles--the eyelids. Perhaps you're not familiar with this part of the anatomy (which is the only justification for dropping $20 on a pair of onion goggles). You know how sometimes you close your eyes? Well, your eyelids are what allow that basic function. They also provide a great protective covering against airborne evildoers, such as those produced by onions. So use the eyelids, but make sure you keep your fingers clear from the blade. 

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1930 Art Deco Henderson. Or rather, this is modeled after that bike, but was only made 6 years later by O. Ray Courtney. Apparently Courtney has a knack for incredible. Don't try looking around for a good price on a bike like this--it's a one-off. But if you really want one I am sure you can find someone to make it. Fact: If Batman had been introduced to the world in 1929 instead of 1939, this is what the Batcycle would have looked like. More pictures at the original article, here. (via LikeCool)

Cucumber Sandwich Discus. Martini Mixing Relay. Dandy Umbrella Jousting. Only at The Chap Oympiad. The best of Britains tweeded populace turned out in full chap attire to partake in the important activities listed above, among others. Fleur de Guerre has a more complete summary of the day's events. Looking to update your wardrobe with some iconic throwback items, start by checking out the photos of this epic event. (via The Awesomologist)

Timberland is hitting its stride and with three new offerings, it shows. The new boots afford a classic rugged look while maintaining equal classic elements. The assortment include the above leather chukka, a rigid-looking zip chukka, and a leather/suede oxford that is a bit irresistible, if I may say so myself. Look for these later this year (despite them being tagged as part of the 2011 collection--apparently shoes are like cars). (via Hypebeast)

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It's hard to convince most people that buying high quality denim is worth it. I am wearing a pair of Sevens today and my coworker is sporting some dark-wash Citizens, so we're no strangers to the idea. But not many people are willing to shell out $100 for a pair of jeans. Let alone the $200 or so that some of the better denim will cost you. But if there ever has been an argument, this is it. To celebrate the launch of their new 484 slim-fit raw selvedge denim jeans, J. Crew (who is just nailing it) put together a short series that chronicles the wearing-in of said jeans by 5 different staffers. Denim purists argue that jeans should never be washed (and if they must be, they use products like Dr. Bronner's...or the ocean). The process goes like this: 1) Buy expensive raw denim jeans. 2) Wear as frequently as possible (like, every day) for as long as possible (6 months should do, but you can take it longer) before even thinking about washing them. 3) Enjoy the most comfortable, best fitting jeans you'll ever own. To get a better grasp of denim purism, check out Denim Debate. (via GQ)

Part of me wishes this picture was some 4Chan joke. Some twisted taxidermists idea of utility. Another part of me thinks it's hilarious and brilliant marketing (though still a bit twisted). To make their End of History brew even more spectacular (it's already 55% ABV and costs $650-$900), BrewDog Beer decided to use taxidermied rodents as containers. Unfortunately it looks like this unique brew is sold out, but you can still nab the much less cool Tactical Nuclear Penguin (32%) and Sink the Bismarck! (41%). And they are much cheaper. But they also don't come upholstered in roadkill. So, I guess you can't win 'em all. (via uncrate)

Music and time, together at last! This is the best unconventional use of music since the Keyboard Necktie. Estonian designer Pavel Sidorenko uses crazy high-tech lasers in his design lair to craft these clocks by hand. 27 different designs are available, ranging from the cityscape above to a rhinoceros. They cost between 25 and 33 Euros, or 32-42 American Money Units. Get them here at Pavel's store. (via Core77)

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Ettinger may not be a brand with which you are familiar. I'll be honest: I wasn't until a day or so ago. But I can't help but lust over just about everything they have to offer at their online store. How do I know it's good? The Royal Warrant from the Prince of Wales and a collaboration with Bentley were all it took to convince me. And if you take a look at their collections, that should be enough, too. Aside from the cutting of some of the leathers, everything is handmade in England, a job at which it takes 4-5 years to become a pro. For more on this amazing company, check out the interview with the owner, Robert Ettinger, at Men's Flair.

You're welcome. This cover shoot for Complex was done in May. Now, our friend Lindsay has had a tough couple of months, and the road ahead doesn't look much easier. But what you can't deny is that she is looking damn fine in this shot (and in the whole photo shoot, for that matter). She may have a train wreck of a life and look like shit when she's in court...but she cleans up nice.

We've all been there. Packing for a trip, or perhaps to come home, maybe you don't have the room for some item. Maybe you know you're going to need an extra bag for all the stuff you're going to buy your friends. You're supposed to carry on an empty bag? Hell no. Flight 001 has you covered like a jimmy hat. Whether it be a bag that seals tight to keep your wet trunks separate from your dry button downs, or a toiletry bag, these guys have the solution to all of your traveling conundrums. (via Cool Hunting)