Another Useless Product

At the urging of my close friend, who I like to call The Matador (for no reason at all), I've decided to talk a bit about a certain kitchenware item that may or may not be necessary. My father is what one might call a purveyor of kitchen utensils. He swears by the Foley fork, a do-everything tool for the kitchen. If you don't have one, get one, if you do, get another and give it to a friend so they have one. Spread the love of the Foley fork. But one thing you won't find in his kitchen are these:

That's right. Onion goggles. My reaction to onions has never been so strong as to require goggles of any kind. Nor do I have a need to look like a superhero or as if I am completing some sort of Tour de France time trial while in the kitchen. I'm a heavy advocate of God's onion goggles--the eyelids. Perhaps you're not familiar with this part of the anatomy (which is the only justification for dropping $20 on a pair of onion goggles). You know how sometimes you close your eyes? Well, your eyelids are what allow that basic function. They also provide a great protective covering against airborne evildoers, such as those produced by onions. So use the eyelids, but make sure you keep your fingers clear from the blade.