Unacceptable: Jaden Smith

Jesus Christ.

If you've lately felt a deep burning hatred stirring within your soul, with nowhere to direct it, I've found your solution. I don't endorse hating anyone or anything, but sometimes its just too easy.

Jaden Smith has achieved "The Worst" status.

That's what he wore to prom. Which on it's own wouldn't be terrible--I can get behind getting wildly creative and going as an angelic Batman to prom. But first, he wore this same thing to Comic Con and, worse, to Kimye's wedding (why was he there?). And on top of that, there's the interview in which he (and his sister) walked all over an interviewer who apparently left the idea of follow up questions at the door. And before he apparently deleted it, his Twitter account was a goldmine, including:

"Every 7 Years Your Body Is Completely Replaced With Entirely New Cells So Just Because You Look The Same Doesn't Mean You Are."

and

"How Can Mirrors Be Real If Our Eyes Aren’t Real"

What's the point of all my ranting? Wear a tux to prom. And if you wear a Batman outfit, you shouldn't be able to say "Oh, I think I'm gonna wear my Batman costume," as if it's a regular thing.

Unacceptable: I've Just About Had It...

It's been a long time, and I've been driven from hibernation by numerous atrocities that seem to be getting praise these days. It seems if you add an unnecessary zipper or pair two unlikely materials in an even less likely garb, you're "groundbreaking." Well I say fuck that. Frankly, I am tired of bloggers nowadays (especially the people at magazine blogs like GQ and Esquire) heaping blind praise on ridiculous pieces of clothing. Two examples from a recent trade show (the gentle sirs at GQ neglect to say which, though it's likely either (capsule) or Milan Fashion Week):

On our left we have what seems to be the warm-weather version of the Robot from Lost in Space, while on the right we have a sweater with a zippable bib flap for the sloppy eater. Want a nice warm-weather coat? Grab a pea coat, a top coat, or a normal duffle. If you want a pea coat but you want a little flair, here are two great options: Golden Bear for Unionmade for $425 and Martin Margiela for God knows how much (probably $650-$900).

Unacceptable

A few months ago, while working with a 14-year old client of mine, I was told by said client that I look like girlboy Justin Bieber. Fighting the urge to throw him out of my car, I calmed myself. In so far as I am also white, have straight brown hair, and can woo ladies with my dulcet tones, yes, I look like Justin Bieber. But the similarities stop there. And for that, I am thankful. Here's something I'm not thankful for: Justin Bieber: First Step 2 Forever. My Story. That's the title of the soon-to-be-released shitfest that will be his illustrated memoirs.

Fuck me. Let me start by saying that this kid is completely effed once his face explodes and his voice cracks. I'll continue by saying that the trash that comes out of his mouth is one of few things that can truly capture everything wrong in music today (I won't tell you who or what to like when it comes to music...but I will say that I'd rather have typhoid fever than Bieber Fever). Can we also talk about his style? Is R&B compliant with the skater punk aesthetic? Seems incongruous to me. Maybe he's just a trendsetter, but god I hope not. And when was the last time you saw someone who wasn't Fred Durst wear a backwards hat? When was the last time you even heard anything about Fred Durst? This kid literally had 4 (FOUR!) singles off his first album hit the Billboard Top 40. Meanwhile, there is no longer a decent oldies station in Washington, DC. What the hell is going on? Thankfully, karma has caught up with him at least once. Thanks for ruining my day, HarperCollins.

Unacceptable

I've never been a  fan of mechanical pencils. I press too hard when I write so the lead always breaks. They do have some of the best erasers in the game (the writing utensil game, that is), but those, too, are flimsy and subject to fly out if pressed too hard. I've also never known anyone who has ever owned a mechanical pencil that's worked for over a few months time. That's just a few reasons why this is just ridiculous.

You're looking at the Tombow Zoom 505sh. This is a $30.00 mechanical pencil. Now, I understand having a "good" pen. Maybe not dropping the money for a Mont Blanc, but something sturdy, reliable, classy. I could understand spending about $50-$100 on a really nice pen. Especially as a gift. But a mechanical pencil? The price ceiling for these things should be $3.50, and thats for a dozen. Children use mechanical pencils. Adults use pens. Try signing something at the office with a goddamn pencil. You'll get laughed at. You know what message you send when you use a mechanical pencil? "I make simple mistakes somewhat regularly." You know what message you send when you buy and use a $30 mechanical pencil? "I'm desperately trying to hide the fact that I make simple mistakes somewhat regularly." Spending $30 on a mechanical pencil (one the doesn't even break the top five, according to this guy's mechanical pencil blog--no joke), is, as I love to say, unacceptable. (via Selectism, who, in a momentary lapse of reason, deemed this worthy of praise)

Unacceptable

Mastermind JAPAN apparently just released the line for their Fall/Winter 2010 collection. It turns out I don't care. Neither should you. The Japanese luxury brand is known for exclusivity, and numerous scientific studies have linked exclusivity to outrageous prices. So by the transitive property, Mastermind is outrageously priced.

You may thinking that the sandal above looks nice--sturdy, comfortable, everything you'd want from a solid flip flop. And it is. But it's also an unacceptable $715. You're apparently paying for the fact that only about three of every piece in any given Mastermind collection are produced. Now, it's nice to own things that nobody else has. It's like being the first to have something, except forever. That's a perk I can get behind. What I can't get behind is paying more than $60 (and that's pushing it) for a pair of sandals. I will commend the brand, though: for their insane prices and lofty reputation, their pieces are less extravagant than you'd expect. They eschew the over-the-top, no-one-will-actually-wear-this style that seems to pervade high fashion these days. Be that as it may, even if I had the money, I couldn't see it happening.

Cheap shots:
Flip Flops: Havaianas for$18-$32
Sandals: Olukai for $65-$150

Unacceptable

Not content with international combat failure, the Army has endeavored to fail in the wonderful world of Fashion as well. These boots look like a secret pair you might open up in a shitty combat game. The item you work your ass off for, only to be disappointed when it is finally unlocked.

They are actually using the phrase "Combat Couture", which is not a thing, nor should it ever be. And this is apparently a partnership with PSFG, a brand linked closely to Ed Hardy--so we can't be too surprised here. They'll be available at Kohl's later this month, right next to the Coogi jeans and other shit no one should ever wear.

Cheap Shots:

VPT Rip Hammer for $9.49 (apply liberally to your own skull as alternative to buying the above boots)

Unacceptable: A New Post Series

I'll be the first to admit that my dice game skills aren't the best. I don't even know how to play Yahtzee properly aside from the yelling of "Yahtzee!" as loudly and frequently as possible, which, as I understand, is the best part of the game. So I consider myself no expert on the fineries of the dice gaming world. But there can't be any excuse for this. This dice rolling set has been priced by the manufacturer at €290, which is unacceptable.

 

This game also seems convoluted: card symbols where the dice dots should be, poker chips, a leather mug--ostensibly for rolling, though I thought that's what my hand was for; and why is there a pouch for pirate gold if they don't include pirate gold in the set? I got this link from Selectism, a site I revere for its almost universal fine taste and sartorial wisdom. But I will not be linking the article, as they actually said it would be a great gift for Father's Day. Which I guess it might, if you're dad is Winston Churchill or spends his evenings at the Reform Club. 

If money is tight but you're still aching to give dad a terrible present, look no further: EBay for $6.